There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? When can we really remind someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?
Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Delia and Steffi will both tackle the question of stumbling across an acquaintance’s alt content online.
Do you tell someone if you found any alt content of theirs? This can include Close Friends, OnlyFans content, their AO3 fanfic, smut they’ve written on Wattpad, or their profile on Grindr.
Steffi Cao: I think it definitely depends on the gravity of the alt content. I think if you find someone’s Etsy shop where they sell cute clay jewelry, you can be like, “Oh my god, adorable. Love this.” But you need a reason why you’re bringing it up. If you have no follow up to, I loved your smutty 50 Shades of Gray fan fiction, then you’re cooked. Why would you bring it up?
Delia Cai: Yeah, because what’s the point? To be sort of “gotcha” about it? I guess I could see a world where someone’s like, “Hey, I found your OnlyFans, and I just want to let you know, it comes up on your Google results.” (I don’t know if that’s how OnlyFans works.) Or, what if you find someone’s creepy alt-right meme account?
Steffi: If it were some super racist, prejudiced account, I would absolutely say something snarky to their face.
Delia: At work?
Steffi: 100%. If it’s harmful to people, I would say something snarky; I’d shame them to where it would become a core memory for them and they would never post again.
Delia: It sounds like we’re coming to a consensus: If this content is not harming anyone, do not bring it up. It’s none of your business. Not everything online is for everyone. But if it is harmful or malicious content, then I would report it.
Steffi: Yeah, if I saw someone’s smutty Wattpad fan fiction, I probably wouldn’t say anything since it’s not harmful. I’m not gonna lie—I’m probably gonna read it.
I do think for this particular reader, if you’ve run into your coworker on Grindr, do not match with them. Do not address it, because that means they also saw you on Grindr.
Delia: Yeah, you’re both in a place where you’re not trying to see each other in this context. As much as you’re not trying to see your coworker in a dating context, they’re not trying to see you in a dating context.
Steffi: Being on a dating app is inherently embarrassing, but it’s good fodder. It’s good fodder for an external source, to be like, “Oh my god, I saw my coworker on Hinge.”
Delia: When you see people being vulnerable in places online, leave them alone. They’re not hurting anyone.
Steffi: When we were in high school, we as a student body collectively found our high school guidance counselor’s beauty blog. And because we were 16 years old, it spread like wildfire. But even then, I don’t think anyone brought it up to her, because even then, we knew it was decorum to mind our business. We were all looking at it, but I don’t think anyone went up to her and was like, “Hey, Miss, we saw your Almay foundation review.”
Delia: You have to sort of respect the balance here: “This is my teacher, and we’re not interacting online.”
Steffi: Disrupting someone’s emotional homeostasis on social media is a jump scare. You realize, everyone is kind of on the same internet as me, including my teacher, including my coworkers, they’re all living on their little journeys, too.
Delia: It sounds like we’re very pro-Keep Those Real Life Boundaries In Place.
Steffi: It’s like roommate rules: We’re all sharing the same space here on the internet. Sometimes, people are trying to put things out into the void and find a connection.
Delia: Yeah, don’t worry about what your roommates are doing in their rooms. It’s none of your business until it’s harmful.
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