There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? How long do we really have to wait before reminding someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?
Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s new advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Steffi addresses the question of what to do when someone you don’t want to hang out with keeps messaging you.
What should I do when someone I don’t want to hang out with keeps messaging me about it?
Who among us has not had this exact experience? Doing anything is already hard in these trying times, which means hanging out with a general acquaintance has been booted down to the subterranean level of priorities.
The art of the polite declination on social media can be difficult and awkward. The expectation of an answer is much more permanent than running out the door of the coffee shop and throwing a lame, “I’ll see you around” over your shoulder. They’re up in your DMs or texts, and you get a static notification of the request: a dot on your screen pestering you for attention.
Still, we must do our best to protect everyone’s feelings. Rather than admitting to someone that I would rather spend my time with other people (or continue rotting away on my couch), I’ll say something like:
- I’m so slammed, but I’ll see you at this [mutual friend’s] thing, right?
- Wish I could, but my calendar is so booked! Your Italy trip looked amazing, though
- TBH I need to chill on social things for a while, but appreciate you checking in 3
Because I am anxious and worry that the text will convey a tone that’s meaner than I intend it to be (meaning the nice person asking to hang out will hate me forever), I usually pepper in some kind of heart-based emoji or exclamation point to show that it’s all love. If there are still follow-ups after that, you have to put on your adult pants and stop responding.
The division between acquaintance and friend seemed much clearer in the pre-social media era; nowadays you can intimately know an acquaintance with a few exchanges on your phone. (See: That one girl I met at a bar once six years ago still follows me on Instagram, and she’ll occasionally post about her journey in fostering a cat. . . . The manager I knew peripherally from three jobs ago still shares his thoughts on LinkedIn, so I can stay up to date with his work life despite the fact that we never really worked directly together.)
Sometimes, I have been proven wrong. Sometimes, people have followed up with me again and again and finally, I go to hang out and realize they do indeed make for a better companion than my sofa. But in these Unprecedented Times, it’s time we all bring back the demure follow-up, and the demure declination.
And in case (in hopes?) your acquaintance happens to be reading this: The appropriate number of times to follow up with a potential hangout is twice. You heard me! Two times. Anything beyond that and I would just recommend you find someone else to hang out with or take up knitting or something because you simply have too much time on your hands. This is not a doctor’s appointment or some high-stress business meeting; there is no pressing reason for you to be blowing up anyone’s notifications. You get two opportunities to bump, and that’s the end of it.
What’s proper caption etiquette? What’s the max amount of photos for a photo dump?
I know we can all do 20 now, but nothing beats quality over quantity. We have a power in our hands and we must wield it with care. I do not want to see 20 photos of slightly different poses of your staged engagement shoot. My recommendation: Either make Instagram casual again or bring your A-game to each slide.
As for captions, I’m not unfurling any text, so do with that what you will. You can wax poetic about how law school changed your life on your Instagram caption, or you can climb Mount Kilimanjaro and whisper it to yourself at the very summit. Same effect. Bring back journaling!
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