When is it OK to slide into someone’s DMs?

There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? When can we really remind someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?

Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s new advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Delia tackles your biggest questions about getting social media involved with your dating life.

Is sliding into the DMs of someone you have a crush on OK?

Yes! The reality is that even though everyone is purportedly sick of dating apps, most of us are still doing most of our socializing online, which means you’re most certainly coming into contact with existing crushes and forming new ones out on the open web. The DM slide is now our modern equivalent of the bar-side sidle-up or a party pick-up line—which is to say, it’s only weird if you make it weird. All of the same rules still apply: Use context clues, be polite, and don’t take it personally if you hear a “no thanks” (or if you’re left on read). 

In my opinion, a DM slide works best when there’s already some prior connection made—i.e., you’ve been following each other for a while, or you have a few mutuals in common. Maybe you’ve even liked each others’ posts back and forth, which is a pretty strong indicator of interest on both sides. In this case, use the DM to strike up a conversation first. “So how do you know [insert mutual friend]” is a great one, so is “I love your tweets about [movie], have you seen [other movie]?” I once knew a guy who literally waited until his Instagram crush of the month would inevitably post a food pic to her Instagram Story, after which he’d slide in every time with a “wowwww that looks soooooo good” reply, and you know what? It always worked! 

But if you’re cold-calling a total stranger, you have to be utterly transparent. You need to introduce/explain yourself up front (“Hey! I started following you after I saw one of your viral TikToks!”), and if you want to ask your crush out, be direct about that, too. Don’t ask if they want to “hang out” or “get coffee,” because that can read ambiguously into the networking/friendship realm. (Ideally, use the word “date” so that no one has to be confused for even a minute.) Keep it short, cordial, and limit yourself to one compliment. 

The problem with most out-of-the-blue DMs is that most people can handle the message-writing part beautifully, but they often whiff the overall execution by making themselves too much of an unknown. For example, if you have a private Instagram account and you don’t even have a real photograph as your bio pic, you are going to be very hard-pressed to convince someone online to come meet you in person. You are strangers, after all! 

Also, unless you already know each other and have absolutely no other way of contacting them, do not slide on LinkedIn. 

When is the best time to share your social media with someone you’re newly dating?

This is actually my hottest take when it comes to being online, which is: Until you’ve both discussed and established the bounds of the relationship you’re having—that is, until you’re “official”—do not share your social media with each other. When you’re dating someone new and you’re still getting to know each other, it’s infinitely easier to be intentional about the exchange of information (not to mention the cadence of contact) when you keep it offline. Social media is nothing if not a fertile minefield of potential misunderstandings, differing expectations, and anxiety-provoking gaps (“Wait, why is she online even though she didn’t text me back?”). You simply do not need that much or that kind of information about each other so early in the game. 

Plus, if you’re following each other closely, it’s easy to let all the social media posting become a substitute for, say, the experience of telling your new suitor about that crazy party or that nightmare birthday dinner in person yourself. Why rob yourselves of the joy of sharing IRL?

Is it ever appropriate to post about ex partners anonymously? 

Mmmmmmmmm, it’s tricky. As someone who subtweeted her way through her twenties, I’ll admit that I’ve done this more than a few times, and also that it always felt cheap. Because yeah, you get some good viral points, but guess who it is you actually want a reaction from (and usually won’t receive)? 

Just know that you’re never going to be totally sure who’s going to see it, even if you’re just posting to “Close Friends” (which, spoiler alert, is not exactly state-of-the-art infosec) or speaking ambiguously. Even if the ex in question is so off the grid that you know they’d never notice, trust me when I say that all of your other contacts (and potential future partners) will note accordingly that you’re not someone who’s shy about airing out dirty laundry, even if it’s for a laugh. There’s an eeriness about the way people use TikTok and Twitter as outlets for gathering a crowd publicly shame (and often identify) romantic partners who’ve wronged them; in certain cases, it’s helpful for people to speak out about abuse and deception, of course. But in general, marshaling strangers on the internet together in order to ridicule an ex is…simply not a good use of your time. That’s what doing stand-up, or composing a song, or writing fiction is for.

https://www.fastcompany.com/91176247/is-it-ever-ok-to-slide-into-somebodys-dms?partner=rss&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=rss+fastcompany&utm_content=rss